Back in the day when I was in my twenties and had not a care in the world (or at least had no insight into any cares I may have had), I used to answer that question by replying, "Filled to the top!" I don't know if I really felt that way or if I just was being cute or what, but it was my consistent answer.
At group therapy this week, our facilitator (who is my therapist) asked us who or what fills our cup. And I knew it would not be enough for me to say that my work as a nurse fills my cup (SPOILER ALERT: I was right! She was not going to accept that as an answer!). So I talked about how the families of patients I have cared for fill my cup when they tag me in a post on Facebook about how much the nurses meant to them during a difficult time. My therapist fills my cup by being someone who accepts me unconditionally and does not keep a running tally in her head of the things I have done "right" or "wrong." I have some friends who fill my cup because they are so happy to see me when we get together. My dog fills my cup with the loyalty and devotion he shows me. My cat fills my cup when she sits purring in my lap (although she empties it out a little when she pees on my bed...again).
And then we were asked...how do you fill your own cup?
And there was silence. And wrinkled foreheads as we all thought really hard about it. And I thought I would share what I came up with.
I recently bought a hammock and stand for my balcony, and I L-O-V-E it. I love to sit in it, where I am mostly hidden from the world, reading a book or playing a game on my iPad. I love the weather we are having right now, and the sun feels amazing. I fill my own cup by finding the time to spend in my hammock.
I can fill my cup by giving meditation a chance. I have had an on-again, off-again meditation practises, and it has been off-again for a while. It's one of those things that sound great...for other people. But my brain is chaotic and messy, and there is no way that I would be able to silence things for long enough to meditate, and it just won't work. Today, I used an app on my phone to do a ten-minute breathing meditation. I practiced letting thoughts pass through my busy brain instead of staying there. Ten minutes did not feel like ten hours. I filled my cup a little bit.
I think yoga can fill my cup, and one of my former favorite classes was being held this morning, so I thought, "Yes! I can go to yoga! More cup-filling!" So I dug out my yoga mat and checked to make sure the class was not cancelled...and then I realized I really did not WANT to go.
Like many people who struggle with eating disorders (and other addictions), I am a very black-and-white thinker. I am either being "good," or I am being "bad." I think today I interrupted myself in the middle of being the best "good" I could imagine. "Let's do all these things because if one cup-filler is good, then four will be better!"
Going to yoga would mean giving up time in my hammock. Which did I want to do more? The sun is shining, and the sky is a beautiful spring blue. I went walking with a friend this morning, so I had some physical activity under my belt (Endorphins!!). I decided to stay home. Yoga will always be there as an option, in some form. However, we are supposed to get some rain over the next few days, so weather like this might not be back for a while.
I filled my cup without overfilling it.I actually did it! I filled it just enough while practicing a little bit of moderation. Instead of thinking about how I will repeat this tomorrow, I am trying to stay with today, which is hard for me to do. I often am living in the past or worrying about the future. But today, I am going to attempt to stay in the here and now.
And if you need me, I will be in hammock, watching the clouds go by...
