The good news is that I have been doing Morning Pages! I have done them for several days, and I am finding them beneficial, although sometimes it's a stretch to write three pages. This morning, however, I decided to forego Morning Pages and blog instead...because ED is alive in me, and it's been a rough week.
I had two weeks of pretty "grey" eating (in that I wasn't having black-and-white thinking about food...not in that everything I ate was grey). And there were different shades of grey. I had some food that was balanced fuel for my body. I had some Skittles. I had some Christmas cookies. But I did not binge, and I did not restrict, and I felt like I was being kind to my body. But I also didn't shower for five days, so while ED may have been dormant, my depression certainly was (is) not.
My psychiatrist added another antidepressant to my own particular cocktail, but I am not up to full therapeutic doses, so I am not sure what the final result of that will be. I am pleased that the medication she chose has been shown to increase dopamine, and since increasing serotonin and norepinephrine has made me better-but-not-best, maybe this will work in tandem with my other medication to improve things in that area.
Anyway. ED. Sometimes, the trigger for a binge is clear. Getting bad news. Getting good news. Stepping on the scale and seeing weight gain. Stepping on the scale and seeing weight loss (I am not currently stepping on the scale at home, but I did get weighed in a medical context a week ago, so that could be part of it). Going out with friends. Staying home alone. Having a hard day at work. Having a good day at work. I am sure you can see a pattern here...anything really bad can trigger a binge for me, but something really good can too. I am not sure what happened this week (I have had a lot of anxiety, so it might even just be general anxiety that sent me into the food), but my black-and-white thinking is back, and everything I am eating is "bad." Bad. BAD. And therefore, I must be bad.
It's a new week, so there are a lot of dieters out there who are starting fresh this week (and it's the first Monday of a new year, so that makes it even more true), and part of me wants so badly to start fresh as well. Maybe this time a diet will work. Maybe I should give Weight Watchers 2016 program a try. Maybe I can just track calories. Maybe I can give up carbs. Or dairy. Or meat. Or sugar. Which one is going to work?
And the other side of ED's coin...the shopping bug. I definitely overshopped last week. I did some of it mindfully, buying things I really did need to buy either to replace worn out things or to otherwise contribute to a clear planned activity. But some of it was mindlessly perusing Old Navy and adding to my (already extensive) wardrobe. Some of it was buying yarn, even though I already have a burgeoning yarn stash (BUT IT WAS ON SALE! Just because a store is having a sale does not mean you have to go shopping.). Some of it was groceries (YAY), but some of the groceries were candy and binge foods (BOO).
Balance is so hard, y'all, and it's clear I have not found it. But I guess my only option is to keep showing up...because any other option ends up in a really bad place.
Oh, wait...HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Showing posts with label adult-ing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adult-ing. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2016
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Malfunction. Need input.
One thing that I do a lot is "should" on myself. You know...I should eat more vegetables. I should take up running. I should go to yoga more often. It has been pointed out to me that this is not productive but can instead cause guilt and shame. Looking into what Dr. Google has to say about this, I found that "shoulding yourself" is a cognitive distortion that was first described by a psychologist named Clayton Barbeau. It basically often results in procrastination, as we try to "nag" ourselves into doing something. However, it can also take other forms (I should lose weight. I should stop spending so much money. I should vacuum my home. I should do the dishes. I should call the repairman about that broken appliance.), and it's more often the other forms that come to roost in my brain.
Something that I am really struggling with right now is maintaining basic, at-home, adult functionality. I do a passable job at work and school. I show up, I act like an adult, I interact with others, I get the job done, and I sometimes even excel. However, at home? I had my whirlwind cleaning frenzy before the repairmen came the other week. But things are starting to pile up again. I made a promise that I would stop unnecessary spending, and I have kind of done that, but I have let a few things slip through. I have not been eating to fuel my body, and as a result, I don't feel well. I am achy. My GI system is out of whack. I have headaches. I am tired.
There are also some things that I put off, knowing that I will feel "better" if I do them, but without that being enough drive to get me going. One of these things (more grossness...this one makes me feel like I am such a failure at adulthood) is showering as often as I "should." I know that a morning shower wakes me up and gives me an opportunity to feel fresh and clean throughout the day. I also know that, more often than not, although I set my alarm to give me plenty of time to fit this into my morning schedule, I often take a look in the mirror, tilt my head, decide I can get away for one more day without washing my hair, and spend that extra time on the Internet, mostly playing a variety of Facebook games. Another thing that always makes me feel better and more put-together is wearing make-up...and I have been averaging perhaps two days a week (and that number might actually be high) of doing that. But putting make-up on everyday takes all of five minutes. I "should" be able to fit that in. And on my days off...getting dressed in real clothes makes me more likely to spend the day relatively productively. Staying in my pajamas or staying in whatever workout clothes I wore to the gym that morning makes me more likely to while away the hours between wake up and bedtime sitting on the couch, surrounded by my time suck materials and wondering how long it has been since I got up to go to the bathroom. So those are three VERY CLEAR, VERY SIMPLE things that I could be doing to become less of an adult-ing dropout. But sometimes even those three things feel like impossible goals.
Hearkening back to the days of childhood, I am working on developing for myself a "chore chart." Daily goals will include showering, putting on make-up, wearing real clothes, eating three meals, drinking enough water, cleaning the dishes out of the sink, balancing my checkbook, and putting my clothes away. Non-daily goals will include physical activity (three times per week), vacuuming (weekly), paying my bills (weekly), grocery shopping (weekly), and cleaning outdated food out of the refrigerator (weekly). I have star stickers. I have a kids' reward chart for said stickers. I have an idea that maybe this visual representation of what some (very small) part of me wants to do as a path to rejoining society will help me end the endless loop of "I should" in my head and replace it with "I did." It shouldn't be that hard to turn the shower on and stand under the spray. But sometimes, to me, it's an impossible task and one that I put off for one more (and then one more after that and after that) day.
Something that I am really struggling with right now is maintaining basic, at-home, adult functionality. I do a passable job at work and school. I show up, I act like an adult, I interact with others, I get the job done, and I sometimes even excel. However, at home? I had my whirlwind cleaning frenzy before the repairmen came the other week. But things are starting to pile up again. I made a promise that I would stop unnecessary spending, and I have kind of done that, but I have let a few things slip through. I have not been eating to fuel my body, and as a result, I don't feel well. I am achy. My GI system is out of whack. I have headaches. I am tired.
There are also some things that I put off, knowing that I will feel "better" if I do them, but without that being enough drive to get me going. One of these things (more grossness...this one makes me feel like I am such a failure at adulthood) is showering as often as I "should." I know that a morning shower wakes me up and gives me an opportunity to feel fresh and clean throughout the day. I also know that, more often than not, although I set my alarm to give me plenty of time to fit this into my morning schedule, I often take a look in the mirror, tilt my head, decide I can get away for one more day without washing my hair, and spend that extra time on the Internet, mostly playing a variety of Facebook games. Another thing that always makes me feel better and more put-together is wearing make-up...and I have been averaging perhaps two days a week (and that number might actually be high) of doing that. But putting make-up on everyday takes all of five minutes. I "should" be able to fit that in. And on my days off...getting dressed in real clothes makes me more likely to spend the day relatively productively. Staying in my pajamas or staying in whatever workout clothes I wore to the gym that morning makes me more likely to while away the hours between wake up and bedtime sitting on the couch, surrounded by my time suck materials and wondering how long it has been since I got up to go to the bathroom. So those are three VERY CLEAR, VERY SIMPLE things that I could be doing to become less of an adult-ing dropout. But sometimes even those three things feel like impossible goals.
Hearkening back to the days of childhood, I am working on developing for myself a "chore chart." Daily goals will include showering, putting on make-up, wearing real clothes, eating three meals, drinking enough water, cleaning the dishes out of the sink, balancing my checkbook, and putting my clothes away. Non-daily goals will include physical activity (three times per week), vacuuming (weekly), paying my bills (weekly), grocery shopping (weekly), and cleaning outdated food out of the refrigerator (weekly). I have star stickers. I have a kids' reward chart for said stickers. I have an idea that maybe this visual representation of what some (very small) part of me wants to do as a path to rejoining society will help me end the endless loop of "I should" in my head and replace it with "I did." It shouldn't be that hard to turn the shower on and stand under the spray. But sometimes, to me, it's an impossible task and one that I put off for one more (and then one more after that and after that) day.
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