Turkey and sales and family, oh my!

And here it is, Black Friday, thought by some to be the busiest shopping day of the year (unless you have ever worked in retail, in which case you know that the busiest shopping day of the year is the Saturday before Christmas, unless that day is Christmas Eve, in which case it is the Saturday before that). And here it is, also, the day after Thanksgiving, a day filled with food and fun and family. It's like a one-two punch.

So if you have an eating disorder, Thanksgiving is a mine field dotted with triggers and good intentions. "Oh, look how good you look! You have lost so much weight!" (Yes, I have been starving myself. Thanks for noticing.) "Wow, you look so healthy!" (Yep, weight restoration worked, but now that you mentioned that, I think I will go back to restricting tomorrow.) "Why are you eating so little? Wow, you can sure pack it away! So now you're a vegetarian? Good for you!" Any comment can wake up the beast that we call ED. We might enter the dining room intent on enjoying our food and tasting everything we put in our mouths and stopping when we are full so that we don't have to hate ourselves later. But then the meal is over, and we aren't sure where the time went, and our plates are empty, and we are looking around to make sure we didn't eat everything, and that warm flush of shame makes its way up our chest and to our face, but it's easy to blame that on the wine.

And then, as a reward for getting through that day, you wake up the next day on Black Friday. Sales are EVERYWHERE. Maybe you will just LOOK. Check out the deals. There might be something that you "need." After all, Christmas is coming, and you have some gifts to buy. So you hit up one popular website, and there are deals galore. So you fill your shopping basket, mostly with things you don't really need. One of the things is a gift, but you have to spend $50 to get free shipping! So you fill the basket with a few more things to meet that goal...and just as you are about to hit "buy," you remember that you have made a promise not to shop. Cold turkey, remember? So you delete everything and close the web browser.

But then you think of something that you have been looking for, something that you could probably argue you need. And maybe the deal today will be worth making the purchase. There is a bit of wiggle room in the budget. The cable bill can be paid a couple of days late. So you make the purchase...a $200 item that will be here in two days. Amazon! Love it! Another great thing about Amazon...they have a "cancel" button. So nine minutes later, you are back on the website, cancelling that order because, although you do eventually need to make that purchase, it does not have to be today. And the deal is not really that great.

I wish I could say that all of my shopping endeavors went that well today. However, instead of spending $400 on stuff that I really didn't need to order today, I kept it to under $100, and I bought a couple of gifts, and I should still be able to pay my cable bill on time, so I guess that is a draw, even if it's not a win.

Anyway, that's a peek at the last two days of life as someone with an eating disorder and a compulsive spending disorder who is supposed to be avoiding all shopping (cold turkey!) and whose eating disorder has risen strong as a response to that plan. So the expectation is that I am working on changing my thoughts and behaviors and moving toward recovery. The reality is that I am back at home on my couch, hermit-ing the rest of the night away and wondering how I will make it through the rest of this festive season relatively intact. And wondering if this is something that I will talk about in therapy this week or if it might be time just to start "I'm fine"-ing everyone again.

Post-therapy thoughts...

I see my therapist once a week, and I often (always?) find myself with a LOT to think about when I leave her office. This week, she was fresh from a conference at an area eating disorders treatment facility and had some new resources to share with me, which the science and research nerd in me really enjoys. I think a part of me thinks that if I can learn enough about my eating disorder and related issues, I can wrestle it to the ground and kick the shit out of it and send it on its way.

However, right now, ED is going strong. One of my goals on my latest treatment plan is to be honest about my behaviors, and I mostly meant that to be with my therapist, but I think it's also probably important for me to honest with myself. I have been semi-restricting to restricting lately (my low days are in the 500 net calories range, with days ranging all the way up to 1200 calories net, and most of them hanging somewhere in the middle), so that was a big topic in therapy this week. I have referenced before in this blog that I know that ED is trying to kill me, so when the conversation turned to the fact that what I was doing is dangerous and could eventually lead to death, the first thought that came to my mind and right out of my mouth was, "I feel like it is worth the risk."

For what feels like my entire life, the goal has been to be skinny(er). In high school, I weighed about 80 pounds less than I do now, and I felt big and fat and conspicuous...but I can look back in photos and see I was not. When I was a child, I was taller than the other kids, and I had a lot of "baby fat" that my mom said I would lose once I hit puberty (I am still waiting for that "baby fat" to disappear.). I can't remember a time when I was not aware of being one of the bigger kids (even if the pictures I see of me as a child don't support that belief), and my entire adulthood has been one long battle with my weight.

A popular topic right now in the eating disorders community is the Health At Every Size (HAES) movement, which seeks to show people that it's not the size of their bodies that matter, that they can be larger and still be healthy. I can't wrap my head around HAES, however. I canNOT accept that the size of my body is "okay" and that I should not keep trying to change it. I understand, cognitively, that restrictive food behaviors lead to bingeing. I get that. I have lived it. And I have always said that I would never say to someone with anorexia, "Man, I wish I could do what you do." In fact, once, when in group, my therapist brought up this topic, and when asked if I was jealous of a then-member of the group who did restriction "better" than I did, I vehemently denied it. But as my desperation for a smaller body grows, and as my desire to have SOMETHING in my control increases, I do find myself wishing that I could do just that. HAES does not seem like an option for me. This body is NOT okay. I can't imagine ever accepting it as such.

I appreciate that there is someone out there who cares enough about me to want me to eat. And I am willing to make an attempt to "normalize" things a bit. But ED has me convinced that is not true, and I don't always  have the energy to ignore him right now.

Pocket full of kryptonite

So if you are someone with "food issues," you are probably well aware that there are these things we call "triggers" out there that can lead you to overeat, undereat, binge, purge, restrict, overexercise, or what have you, depending on your particular "preferred" behaviors. For me, I know things are not going to go well if I am going to some sort of social function. When I go to any kind of get-together, ED comes along, dressed to the nines, putting on his charming face, and he will not leave me alone.

"Oh, look, M&Ms. You LOVE those! Why don't you have some? You have been being so goooood."

"Those Hershey's kisses are special! They aren't just the regular old foil ones. Have some! You deserve them."

"Now, someone went to the trouble of making that cake. You can't just refuse a piece. That would be rude, and I know you don't like to make waves. You better have just a little slice."

"And make sure you clear your plate! You don't want to seem ungrateful...wait, is that kettle corn? When is the last time you let yourself have some of that? Better take the opportunity while you have it!"

Needless to say, my night last night did not go well.

I came home, feeling stuffed and bloated. I had heartburn (I still have heartburn). I was weighted down with shame. And I am determined to have a better day today.

Unfortunately, the only "better" that I can come up with at the moment is a day of extreme restriction. Water and carrot sticks and maybe a yogurt. Not a health balance...but what do I know about balance? All or nothing...that is my game.

I think that is why ED likes to spend so much time here with me. He has no trouble knocking me off balance, and which direction I go in each day is totally up to him.

This is not what recovery looks like...

I was changing my clothes the other day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and well, ugh. I know what the number on the scale says, and I know I am not supposed to be so concerned about what the number on the scale says, and when my body is covered with clothes, I can almost believe for very brief moments of time on occasion that being fat is not the end of the world, but then I do something like see myself unclothed in the mirror and realized that is not actually true (at least for me, at this moment). And wouldn't you know it? ED is right there at my side in those moments, ready to stick his claws into me and exploit that moment and turn it into...whatever he feels like this week.

So this week, ED agrees with me. I am fat. And that is the most important feature about me right now. ED doesn't care if I am working hard or being a good friend or enjoying the nice weather or getting plenty of sleep at night. ED cares about the following:

• what I weigh.
• what I look like.
• what I eat.
• what I don't eat.

ED doesn't want me to do things that are going to make me feel better about myself. ED wants me to stay stuck, sitting on my couch, with him over in the corner, surrounded by the stuff that I can't be bothered to clean up, putting work that has to get done off to the very last minute. And he has the power this week! I have a project to do. It has to be done this afternoon. I have just barely started it. My home is a mess. I have been "going to vacuum" for about two weeks now. I have not vacuumed. I am trying as hard as I can to trigger myself back into restricting, which means spending a lot of time on pro-ana sites (which I had promised myself I would not do anymore) so I can read all about how people are eating nothing and try to emulate them (day three and counting! and a water weight loss of over 5 pounds!)! I am weighing myself, even though I know the scale is triggering. I am tracking every bit of food that goes into my body, and any time I have to give someone an accounting of what I am eating, I am padding the numbers to make it look like I am not restricting.

I think my ultimate plan in all this is that ED will "help" me lose weight (let me check back in with you next week when he has me eating my face off), and I will use therapy and meds to figure out the why behind my eating, and then everything will be wrapped up in a neat little package all at the same time, and I will find myself both (a) skinny(er) and (b) mentally and emotionally healthy! And I will continue maintenance meds and maintenance therapy, and ED will get up on his black horse and ride off into the sunset because I won't need him anymore.

I am aware that this is probably not how things will turn out. But for today, I need to believe it anyway.

When ED comes to play...and the shame-ies and blame-ies come with him.

This morning, I answered the call of the online shopping site and the coupon code. I found on a favorite clothing website a coupon code for a BUY ONE, GET ONE 75% OFF. How was I to resist that? What followed was a series of four purchases (But with my debit card! I didn't use a credit card!), as I wanted to take full advantage of the savings and match up like-priced items so that the 75% item was enjoyed to the best of its potential. I first visited the site because they sent me a "We miss you!" email with a coupon code because OF COURSE THEY DID. They exploited my weakness. I forgot to unsubscribe from this particular site's emails. What I have not mentioned yet is that my budget this pay is so tight that I had to purposely put off a payment already scheduled to come out of my account the day it was due to a day after it is due (which will incur a late payment penalty) in order to "free up" the money to buy these items. And nowhere in my plan is the possibility of canceling these orders or returning the items. In my mind, I already own them and love them.

For some people, ED disguises himself by putting on a friendly, benevolent face and pretending to be a friend. However, my version of ED does NOT do that. My ED looks like this:

He is not my friend, and he does not pretend to be. He is dark. I can't see his face. And I am terrified of him because I know he is trying to kill me. He exploits every weakness he can find in me. And right now, he is filling me with shame and blame, and he is LOUD, and he won't SHUT UP. My brain is telling me that I should eat something healthy for breakfast that is good fuel for my body. But ED? Right now, ED is telling me that I don't deserve to eat anything good for me. In fact, he says I don't deserve to eat anything at all.

I don't know that I am strong enough to resist him today. It's hard not to listen to someone who holds so much power over you.

White-knuckling it

There is a definite problem that comes from white-knuckling something in one area of your life when you have an often silent, yet always present, monster named ED lurking at the periphery of your life. All that energy that is being put into trying to avoid one behavior (so for me, that would be all the energy and attention that I am giving to my money situation) means that you are taking energy away from trying to keep ED in his corner, out of the way, maybe watching you, but certainly not contributing. He looks for weak moments, and he tries to get in through the little openings in your resolve. He has been talking to me a lot over the past week. And he has a lot to say.

"Well, you can't spend money, so how are you going to make yourself feel better now? Have a donut. Have two donuts! It's not like you bought them. They are just sitting here in the break room. You can have donuts and not spend money! So that's still a win!"

"Don't eat dinner. You don't deserve dinner. You are a mess. Look what you have done to yourself. You can't even be trusted with your own money. Doesn't it feel good not to eat dinner? Doesn't that make you feel better? No? Well, good. You don't deserve to feel better."

and my personal favorite

"Should you really have told her that? Is that someone to be trusted? Is she going to keep your dirty secret? Or is she going to tell everyone? Then everyone will know! EVERYONE! You might as well just tell them all and get it over with. Everyone is going to find out anyway, and then they are going to know about you."

Ugh, ED. STFU.

I am fortunate that I do have some people that I DO trust. But man, this dude can be loud.

But I ate dinner yesterday, ED, and I shared with people who have earned the right to hear my story. So for now, you can just go ahead and STFU.