This morning, I answered the call of the online shopping site and the coupon code. I found on a favorite clothing website a coupon code for a BUY ONE, GET ONE 75% OFF. How was I to resist that? What followed was a series of four purchases (But with my debit card! I didn't use a credit card!), as I wanted to take full advantage of the savings and match up like-priced items so that the 75% item was enjoyed to the best of its potential. I first visited the site because they sent me a "We miss you!" email with a coupon code because OF COURSE THEY DID. They exploited my weakness. I forgot to unsubscribe from this particular site's emails. What I have not mentioned yet is that my budget this pay is so tight that I had to purposely put off a payment already scheduled to come out of my account the day it was due to a day after it is due (which will incur a late payment penalty) in order to "free up" the money to buy these items. And nowhere in my plan is the possibility of canceling these orders or returning the items. In my mind, I already own them and love them.
For some people, ED disguises himself by putting on a friendly, benevolent face and pretending to be a friend. However, my version of ED does NOT do that. My ED looks like this:
He is not my friend, and he does not pretend to be. He is dark. I can't see his face. And I am terrified of him because I know he is trying to kill me. He exploits every weakness he can find in me. And right now, he is filling me with shame and blame, and he is LOUD, and he won't SHUT UP. My brain is telling me that I should eat something healthy for breakfast that is good fuel for my body. But ED? Right now, ED is telling me that I don't deserve to eat anything good for me. In fact, he says I don't deserve to eat anything at all.
I don't know that I am strong enough to resist him today. It's hard not to listen to someone who holds so much power over you.
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