White-knuckling it

There is a definite problem that comes from white-knuckling something in one area of your life when you have an often silent, yet always present, monster named ED lurking at the periphery of your life. All that energy that is being put into trying to avoid one behavior (so for me, that would be all the energy and attention that I am giving to my money situation) means that you are taking energy away from trying to keep ED in his corner, out of the way, maybe watching you, but certainly not contributing. He looks for weak moments, and he tries to get in through the little openings in your resolve. He has been talking to me a lot over the past week. And he has a lot to say.

"Well, you can't spend money, so how are you going to make yourself feel better now? Have a donut. Have two donuts! It's not like you bought them. They are just sitting here in the break room. You can have donuts and not spend money! So that's still a win!"

"Don't eat dinner. You don't deserve dinner. You are a mess. Look what you have done to yourself. You can't even be trusted with your own money. Doesn't it feel good not to eat dinner? Doesn't that make you feel better? No? Well, good. You don't deserve to feel better."

and my personal favorite

"Should you really have told her that? Is that someone to be trusted? Is she going to keep your dirty secret? Or is she going to tell everyone? Then everyone will know! EVERYONE! You might as well just tell them all and get it over with. Everyone is going to find out anyway, and then they are going to know about you."

Ugh, ED. STFU.

I am fortunate that I do have some people that I DO trust. But man, this dude can be loud.

But I ate dinner yesterday, ED, and I shared with people who have earned the right to hear my story. So for now, you can just go ahead and STFU.