Without further ado, I present my letter from my body to me:
Dear Enough,
It's me...your body. I am sitting here on the
couch, after a long, busy day at work. I know that you're trying not to
concentrate on any one thing. The TV is on, the apartment is cluttered, the
dishwasher is making a weird noise, and you kind of have to pee. That feeling
that you kind of have to pee? That's me talking to you. You don't usually
listen to that signal until the last minute, which leads to a mad dash to the
bathroom. Necessary? Maybe not.
That's not the only thing I say when I talk to
you, however. Sometimes, I want to let you know that I need some better care.
This might manifest as heartburn or indigestion after a dinner of ice cream,
arthritis pain in your knee because of a steady diet of Skittles and soda, or a
headache because of a lack of sleep (or caffeine). I have other things I would
like you to hear, as well, but I can't seem to get you to listen to me.
I love movement. I love when we go to yoga
together and you listen and open your mind to the lessons that the teachers have
to share. I love when you take walks, especially outside walks, but the
treadmill can do in a pinch! I don't like running. I am not a big fan of weight
training. I can take or leave the elliptical.
So let's talk food. I don't want food to be such a
battleground for us. I don't want you to have to consider whether a food is
good or bad before you give it to me. I don't want you to use food to punish
yourself. I want you to realize that it is okay to eat these so-called
"bad" foods in moderation and that you don't have to feel guilty
about them. It's okay to eat a food just because you want it. But I would love
it if you would also think about what I need to run the way I have to in order
to support you in your day to day life. I need to be nourished, not punished. I
need to eat the occasional vegetable and plenty of protein. I can eat gluten,
and I can eat carbs, and I can eat meat, and I can eat sugar. I can do all
that. You don't have to cut those things out. But I can't be expected to stay
in good working order if you are feeding me either a straight diet of
"junk" food or almost nothing at all. It's okay to have a treat. But
I can't promise that I will be able to keep working for you if you don't help
me out a little bit.
I know it feels impossible. I know that the idea
of allowing food to let go of the hold it has over you feels like the most
foreign idea in the world. I can feel you struggle...I can hear your thoughts,
even when you don't quite get them into words. I can see that moment when you
transition from enjoyment of a food to the frantic shoveling in of something
you can't quite taste anymore. I feel such sadness for you in those times, but
I feel some panic too. After all, if you don't take care of me, no one will.
Audrey has said it...she can't want recovery for you more than you want it for
yourself. In the same way, I can't want recovery for you more than you want it
for yourself. I am here for you, but I can't promise to be there forever if we
don't figure this out...together. Please start at least trying to pay attention
to what I am telling you. It will take time, but if we work on this together,
maybe the signals I send you will start to be noticed, and maybe you will be
able to tell that I am hungry (and hungry for actual nutritious food), and when
I am physically satisfied, maybe you will feel satisfied as well. What you have
been doing has not been working. For the most part, you have come to realize
that dieting truly is not the answer. The "right" diet is not out
there, so you and I are going to have to work together to figure this out. I am
committed to you...can you be committed to me too?
Love, Your Body
And my pledge to my body:
Dear Body,
I guess that it's time for me to admit that
25+ years of dieting has not worked. I am left feeling like a failure because I
couldn't wrestle you into a size and shape that I liked. I have punished you
for not conforming to my ideas of what you should look like. I have not
nourished you physically or mentally. I have been mean to you and called you
names. And you still have done a reasonable job of carrying me through life.
You have allowed me to do work that I love.
You have allowed me to reach out and give hugs to those whom I care about. You
have helped me save babies’ lives and comfort grieving parents and celebrate first
birthdays and stand in front of groups of people and teach them about what I
do. You have kept safe my brain and my heart, even when I have not given you
reason to. You let me cry when I know I am safe, and even if my darkest times,
you are with me.
Instead of seeing myself as apart from you,
I am going to try my hardest to join with you and continue on this life's
journey. I will not force you not to eat. I will not force you to run because I
know you don't like it. I will keep you active because it makes you feel better
and not because I have some elaborate goal to meet. I will let you eat Skittles
when you want them, but I won't force you to finish eating them just because
they are there. I will not make you eat kale because we don't like it. But I will
let you have food that serves as better fuel for you than what I have been
giving you lately. I will work with you and not against you. I will invest in you,
and I ask that you continue investing in me. I know that you have been patient
when perhaps I did not deserve your patience.
Thanks for sticking with me and believing I
am worth it.
Love (and I mean that),
Enough
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