Resolved!

My New Year's Resolution every year is this: Get my shit together. Usually, that has meant that I was going to find the "right" diet and start paying off my debt and clean up my home and live like a real adult. Anyone who has read this blog knows that I have not really succeeded in many of those areas.

I did take some important steps this year, in going into a debt management plan and really starting to tackle my spending and debt problems. I have made some missteps, which has meant that I have paid some money in overdraft fees and also fallen into the online shopping rabbit hole a few times, but I have regained my footing a bit. It's a learning process to shift from relying on credit cards and ignoring a mounting problem, and I definitely still get that itch from time to time to check out by doing some mindless shopping (full disclosure: I do have a list of things I "want" when my budget allows...I don't know that I will end up buying all of them, but they are sitting on a wishlist, waiting for me to have the money for them).

My home is still a cluttered mess. I thought of using the holiday season as a "motivator" to get it cleaned up, just in case anyone had an occasion to stop by for any reason. However, I have decided that the better option is just not to have people stop by. Looking around at all this stuff just still is completely overwhelming, and the thought of cleaning it up sends me into shutdown mode. My only two goals today are to do laundry and unload and reload the dishwasher, and even that seems like too much right now. And I have some major refrigerator de-cluttering to do that I cannot even fathom right now.

And that leaves that elusive search for the "right" diet. I absolutely believe with 99% of my being that this does not exist. Often, I believe it with 100% of my being, but there are times that ED tries to convince me that is not true. I have not binged in over a week now, but I have been eating, mostly cereal with milk and peanut butter with everything and tostada shells with cheese melted on them. And everything has tasted so good! I forgot how much I like cereal. I had stopped eating it because it triggered my "need" to weight it out precisely, but now I have just been pouring it in a bowl, adding some milk, and digging in. Peanut butter is another thing I have had to measure precisely in the past, but instead I have been slathering it on my toast and savoring it. I have not had anything fancy to eat in the last week, but I have enjoyed what I have eaten, and I have not numbed out with food. And one of my favorite things about TFID is that Caroline is realistic about the fact that sometimes eating is not going to be a completely mindful activity. I am living alone, and sitting down at the kitchen table to eat my meals in a quiet environment and concentrate only on what I am eating feels like a whole lot of bullshit to me. I usually eat sitting on the couch, often in front of the TV but sometimes also with my laptop on my lap. And I always thought that I couldn't be a mindful eater because eating at the kitchen table in silence made me feel like I was going to crawl out of my skin. But TFID has given me "permission" to go with my instinct that this is a load of crap, and I can eat in front of the TV and taste my food and enjoy eating and not feel like I have to get a meal over with because the silence is driving me crazy.

I also have not stepped on my home scale for the last week or so, although I was weighed in a medical environment last week. It still calls to me because I am so used to using it to measure my worth, but I am not answering that call. And I am thinking about tossing it in the dumpster today because, if that call continues, I am not 100% confident I won't eventually answer it. I do get weighed at medical appointments on a fairly regular basis (much less often than once per week but usually every month or two), so I am not losing the ability to know my weight. But if I ditch my scale, I am losing the ability (or maybe I should say surrendering the ability) to let my daily weight control me.

So is there room in my life for a New Year's Resolution, beyond the old standby? I have one goal in mind that I am not yet working on, and it is actually something I am sincerely excited about. And it's an idea I have gotten from some of the podcasts I have been listening to. There is a book called The Artist's Way that has been mentioned on podcasts I have been listening to over the past two weeks, and although I have not read the book, I have heard a lot about one of the practices suggested by the author, and that is a practice called Morning Pages. Morning Pages are three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing, written by hand, at the beginning of the day, designed to help to awaken your creativity. Brené Brown has a great quote that kind of helped lead me to this resolution: "Unused creativity is not benign. It lives within us until it's expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear." I don't think of myself as an artistic individual. I can knit, but not well. I can make jewelry, but it's not a passion of mine. I can do lettering, and I have nice handwriting, and I occasionally create something that I am proud of. But I don't have a creative passion. I have tried out a bunch of creative hobbies, but once I build my "stash" of supplies, I usually lose interest. The acquisition of these supplies? Definitely the shopping monster. The actual creative pursuit? Forgotten almost immediately.

However, I have always been told that I am a good writer. My grandfather was a good writer, and even as a child, I remember being told I took after him. My teachers generally graded my papers well. My papers in grad school are generally well-received. I have a good grasp of the written word, and sometimes I have something to say, and I can usually get my thoughts into written words without much of a problem. Does that mean I am going to write a novel someday? Maybe not. Does it mean that there will be a day that this blog will be more than an anonymous spot on the internet? Perhaps. Therefore, Morning Pages are my New Year's Resolution. And I don't necessarily mean every day...that feels too much like a compulsion. But I am going to dedicate time and space to write three pages on most days before I get my day started, and I am going to see what it is the stream of my consciousness has to say.

And I am going to be kind to myself. And I am going to be kind to others. And I am going to remind others to be kind to themselves. After all, if we don't care for ourselves, who will? If we are not worthy of our own care, how can we be worthy of the care of others?