Cold Turkey

As I recall, I have mentioned in the past that I have a lovely therapist (and I don't just say that because she is an occasional reader of this blog) with whom I am fortunate to spend time once each week for individual therapy and every other week for group therapy focusing on adults with eating disorders. In addition, I am fortunate that my employer provides a health care plan at minimal cost to me that does not place a limit on how many times I can access mental health services such as outpatient therapy in a calendar year. Seeking help in this manner has been life changing for me.

Anyway, it turns out that it is really hard to adjust to life without credit cards. My creditor accounts have been enrolled in a debt management plan, and all of my credit card accounts are closed. And I thought this would mean that I magically would stop spending money. After all, I believe I have said that I have enough self-respect not to allow myself to fall into financial ruin. Clearly, not having credit cards means that I will have to change my spending habits, but I can do it! I am an adult! This is what adults do!

So this week I was overdrawn on my checking account. I paid out NINETY DOLLARS in overdraft fees before I was able to come up with a plan (which involved a Coinstar machine and an old savings bond) to get my account back in the black. I was furious with myself. I had "allowed" myself some shopping after a stressful day, even though I know I have no safety net. My credit cards are gone. My savings account is empty, save for the money required to keep the account open. In a particularly low moment, I emailed my therapist because I needed to share with SOMEONE how absolutely awful and scary things were seeming to me. 

At our individual session this week, we talked about the shopping and the spending. And she asked me to consider giving up shopping. Cold turkey. Abstinence. No trips to the Target Dollar Spot. No Zulily orders. No Old Navy orders or Amazon purchases. No celebrating the arrival of my paycheck in my bank account with a special little treat. No shopping for wants. Using my money only for needs.

So. 

This feels impossible. It feels like my "favorite" coping mechanism is being taken from me. I am an online shopper and tell myself I love it. The thrill of the chase, comparing prices, placing the order, waiting for the package to arrive in the mail. It's a rush. I am sure it is lighting up the same pleasure centers in the brain that so many other addiction behaviors do. 

However, it also feels like my only option. Left to my own devices, I seem to be intent on destroying myself. My relationship with food is all or nothing. I am either eating to excess or eating not enough at all. My finances are a major source of stress and shame. The people with whom I feel I can share the details of my struggle are few and far between. And when my therapist asks me to name my emotions as I sit crying in her office, the only one I can come up with is "sad." I hate myself. And I punish myself by engaging in behaviors that could land me in real trouble. And then I present the story in writing, sounding (and feeling) like I am talking about the events in someone else's life...all while wondering how I will regulate my emotions without a trip to Target or a perusal of Nordstrom's website. 

So...cold turkey. I believe her when she says I need to do this. But I am not sure how I will be able to...