So this is how yesterday went...

Binge eating? Check!

Shopping? Check!

Self-loathing? Shame? Anger? Check! Check! Check!

Ugh. 

So yesterday, I had my plan to restrict all day because I knew that my ability to control myself at dinner was not going to be promising. And then I took a wander down to the cafeteria, with $2 in pocket to "try a little something." And then I walked back to my work space to get my debit card because "FOODCAFETERIAFOODNOMNOMEATEATEAT!" And that involved some food that was not part of my "plan." And a big dessert. And the stage was set for the rest of the day. 

I finished my workday...and headed to Target. And clothing was on sale for 25% off because of course it was, and I became like a kid in the candy store. I even reached out via text to a trusted friend to tell her that I was in Target, and that was not enough to stop me from releasing the shopping beast. 

And then I left Target and went right to Old Navy. 

So I was (am) already thinking about how much of a screw up I am. And then I proved it to myself by giving in to ED and spending money. 

Oh, and I forgot to mention the cookies I bought at Target to continue to feed the beast. 

Dinner was a feast. There was an appetizer. There was a meal. There were fries. There was alcohol. There was dessert. There was self-loathing. There was shame. 

There was a Xanax waiting for me at the end of the day. There was quiet in my mind. There was sleep. 

Today is another day to continue trying to trigger myself back into restriction.