Malfunction. Need input.

One thing that I do a lot is "should" on myself. You know...I should eat more vegetables. I should take up running. I should go to yoga more often. It has been pointed out to me that this is not productive but can instead cause guilt and shame. Looking into what Dr. Google has to say about this, I found that "shoulding yourself" is a cognitive distortion that was first described by a psychologist named Clayton Barbeau. It basically often results in procrastination, as we try to "nag" ourselves into doing something. However, it can also take other forms (I should lose weight. I should stop spending so much money. I should vacuum my home. I should do the dishes. I should call the repairman about that broken appliance.), and it's more often the other forms that come to roost in my brain.

Something that I am really struggling with right now is maintaining basic, at-home, adult functionality. I do a passable job at work and school. I show up, I act like an adult, I interact with others, I get the job done, and I sometimes even excel. However, at home? I had my whirlwind cleaning frenzy before the repairmen came the other week. But things are starting to pile up again. I made a promise that I would stop unnecessary spending, and I have kind of done that, but I have let a few things slip through. I have not been eating to fuel my body, and as a result, I don't feel well. I am achy. My GI system is out of whack. I have headaches. I am tired.

There are also some things that I put off, knowing that I will feel "better" if I do them, but without that being enough drive to get me going. One of these things (more grossness...this one makes me feel like I am such a failure at adulthood) is showering as often as I "should." I know that a morning shower wakes me up and gives me an opportunity to feel fresh and clean throughout the day. I also know that, more often than not, although I set my alarm to give me plenty of time to fit this into my morning schedule, I often take a look in the mirror, tilt my head, decide I can get away for one more day without washing my hair, and spend that extra time on the Internet, mostly playing a variety of Facebook games. Another thing that always makes me feel better and more put-together is wearing make-up...and I have been averaging perhaps two days a week (and that number might actually be high) of doing that. But putting make-up on everyday takes all of five minutes. I "should" be able to fit that in. And on my days off...getting dressed in real clothes makes me more likely to spend the day relatively productively. Staying in my pajamas or staying in whatever workout clothes I wore to the gym that morning makes me more likely to while away the hours between wake up and bedtime sitting on the couch, surrounded by my time suck materials and wondering how long it has been since I got up to go to the bathroom. So those are three VERY CLEAR, VERY SIMPLE things that I could be doing to become less of an adult-ing dropout. But sometimes even those three things feel like impossible goals.

Hearkening back to the days of childhood, I am working on developing for myself a "chore chart." Daily goals will include showering, putting on make-up, wearing real clothes, eating three meals, drinking enough water, cleaning the dishes out of the sink, balancing my checkbook, and putting my clothes away. Non-daily goals will include physical activity (three times per week), vacuuming (weekly), paying my bills (weekly), grocery shopping (weekly), and cleaning outdated food out of the refrigerator (weekly). I have star stickers. I have a kids' reward chart for said stickers. I have an idea that maybe this visual representation of what some (very small) part of me wants to do as a path to rejoining society will help me end the endless loop of "I should" in my head and replace it with "I did." It shouldn't be that hard to turn the shower on and stand under the spray. But sometimes, to me, it's an impossible task and one that I put off for one more (and then one more after that and after that) day.